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chapter 7: The Journey Goes Global
Photos/Images:
Chapter 7 (Page 413): "My first assignment: 9th Military Police (MP) Detachment, 95th MP Battalion, Mannheim, Germany (1998-2002)."
Videos/Clips (Memories and Messages in Memes)
Chapter 7 (Page 416): "Today, however, most of the iconic casernes and hubs of US Army Europe’s yesteryear, such as Coleman Barracks, are ghost towns, boarded up indefinitely or teetering on demolition and/or repatriation. Some have been converted into refugee camps, thanks
to our 'global war' and many others just like it ('but this one is mine!' [Full Metal Jacket])."
EXTREME (!) Hubris
Chapter 7 (Page 417): "Yeah [in the early 2000s], we were untouchable, we thought. We assumed, therefore, that we could export our deep fried, Juicy, bedazzled, spikey hair and pierced belly button, Mountain Dew Code Red cultural all over the world with 'EXTREME' prejudice and the world would just keep eating it all up forever, playing by our rules and no one else’s."
Practicing for the Last War (What Could Go Wrong?)
Chapter 7 (Page 417): "...because like in the previous war, after a quick ass whoopin’, all future enemies will be in 'bad guy' uniforms, waving white flags while lining up in single file lines to surrender before scurrying home right? 'Right'). The mistake we continue to make during every interwar period is training more for the last war than for the next."
It's the Little Differences You Enjoy...And Miss the Most
Chapter 7 (Page 421): "[A donor and/or bratwurst] is a lot better than a 'Royal with cheese,' which, as we learned in Pulp Fiction, really is what they call a McDonald’s Big Mac over there."
Travel Continues to Be "The Best Education"
Chapter 7 (Page 422): "They also had an impressive nightlife and club scene. Germans loved what they called, all day on regional radio, 'blaaaack muzak!' Unlike most stereotypes of eccentric Germans adorned in turtlenecks and sparkling sequin blazers and thin, futuristic sunglasses voguing to techno (as in SNL’s Sprockets: 'And now, vee donce!'), the scene was very contemporary, diverse, and aware."
Not the Homecoming We Were Expecting
Chapter 7 (Page 432): "But instead of the picture-perfect
reunion, embrace, and marveling that I had envisioned, I found
a vomit-covered duo who were cranky and exhausted from what
had been a horrendous flight...I didn’t care; we were finally
together again...[Mom] cared, however...I suspect it had something to do with [baby girl's] tummy, given that it was her vomit that now covered all three of us. The ordeal was reminiscent of ['The Exorcist']."
Actual "Bad Apples"...Every Organization's Got Em
Chapter 7 (Page 435): "Needless to say, a lot of people got into trouble, and many of them ended up there at the USACF-E. Eventually, they were shipped back to the States for discharge or transfer to larger facilities, such as the US Disciplinary Barracks (USDB) at Fort Leavenworth, KS (the 'West Point' of military jails, aka 'The Big House'); that’s how we kept our population at or below a hundred: with large, intermittent prisoner transfers, like in Con Air (1997). Insert Nick Cage joke and/or your best impression here."
High on Our Own Supply! (WARNING: R-RATED CONENT!)
Chapter 7 (436): "Our swift success in Kosovo, like the kind we experienced
in Kuwait, bolstered my perception that we were the world’s police—
righteous and untouchable. We were indeed Team America.
'F——Yeah!' (Team America: World Police, 2004)."
How We Saw Ourselves as Young Guards: "Let the Games Begin!" (WARNING: '90s SPORTSWEAR)
Chapter 7 (Page 437): "All of the inmates were coming and going to various activities, appointment, and details all day—trying to, anyway. That’s where the inmate-guard games really took place: the inmate-guard Olympics, if you will. Sometimes, it was more like American Gladiators (1989-1996) with them always trying to get stuff and themselves past you. In my head, I was Nitro (without the roids!). In reality, I was literally
still a teenager with a baby face, and the inmates couldn’t wait to
test me."
Trying to Keep My Footing on "The Slippery Slope" of Jokes and Stereotypes (Wait for It...)
Chapter 7 (Page 444): "Soon, I’d be getting 'feedback' like this in all settings, including ones that I took very seriously. For example, one day when I was getting recognized in front of the company with a certificate of achievement, a sergeant would not stop yelling, 'Vatos locos forever, holmes!' which was a reference to Bound by Honor (the unaware yet beloved gangster parody within a parody already mentioned several times throughout previous chapters)."
When You Lose Your "Footing" on that "Slope"
Chapter 7 (Page 447): "That was my weakness—the kryptonite I referred to earlier. It was not a weakness that these things offended me—or that I addressed them—but rather that I tended to lose my military bearing in the process (my 'cool' if you will). I’d always dial back my disproportionate responses, eventually, but often much further back than I should have had to in the first place. For an astoundingly accurate visual [:] 'When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong - Vernon Franklin' (Chappelle Show, 2003-2006)."
Comparing "Bad Apples" to "Oranges": When GWB Blamed His Policies on "America's Person of the Year"
Chapter 7 (Page 453): "Former President Bush even went on global TV to serve this false narrative to the world while it was still being cooked up [1:30]. Some could easily argue that this was also him feeding the American public—the only body that could truly hold him and his cabinet accountable—a lie that they were hungry for so that it, too, could shirk accountability for what we, as a nation, had done. All that was needed was a hasty conclusion (another type of fallacy), like the one above, to back it all up.
And Then Their Was Us (The "Oranges"): U.S. on U.S. Military Corrections/Confinement
Chapter 7 (Page 459): "We had to impress upon them that if they ever decided to become a threat to our cadre or their fellow inmates, whether by kicking, punching, biting, or spitting, that we could and would gag
them, duct tape them between two litters, and stack them up against
the wall (something personally done to me for training purposes) in
a tiny, pitch black cell until court-martialed again to have their stay
with us involuntarily extended up to indefinitely...[This clip] looks like a mocumentary, or perhaps interpretive dance, of us guards inprocessing all new arrivals. It’s uncanny!"
Songs
Chapter 7 (Page 430): "On my local “blaaaack muzak!” radio station, I got to listen to Germans do Michael Jackson impersonations and Cher’s new hit 'Believe' (over and over, hence why it’s one of my [forever] favs!) while traversing the city to gather all the finishing touches...
[while this played in the club...the 'dirty-dirty' (South) was king, and this joint allowed us to show off our 300 APFT pecs and abs!...
and this played on American Armed Forces Network (AFN) radio...good luck controlling your inner white girl past 00:50. Honorable mentions include J-Lo, Jay-Z, Outcast, Shakira, Eminem, Santana, Slipnkot, Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, RHCP, and Destiny's Child (and don't forget to shake your bon-bons - Ricky Martin!): it was a literal golden age of race relations, sentimental face emoji - before dog whistles were dog whistles for dog whistles, cross-eyed/confused emoji!]
Chapter 7 (Page 437): "For starters, I hated the name of
this task. It sounded so vulgar: 'strip' searching. Why not call it
something classy like 'burlesque' searching? [And other worries/points of contention:]...would I have images of naked dudes running around in my head 'Always and Forever'? [We] loved that song by Heatwave (1978). I couldn't let a bunch of naked convicts steal it [from us]!"
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